So, I think I've figured out how to describe this weird amount of non-functional I've been going through. It's like, my body is working and doing something, and my brain is off in the ether. And then my brain realizes that my body is doing stuff without it, and then there's this insanely long lag time for my brain to catch up with my body. I have no idea what's causing it. I only know that it's happening and that I really kind of desperately want to sleep for a week.
Anyway, today is 2/14. This is a bad anniversary for me, so I try to pretend that it doesn't exist, but resistance is futile. Luckily I'm not insanely sad this year. Last year I think I cried all day. So there's progress. At least slushy, nonfunctional brains aren't completely embarassing at work.
Because of this anniversary, I don't really get into the whole Valentine's thing. But regardless of the anniversary, the whole idea of this holiday annoys the crap out of me.
Why is *this* the day to show the ones you love that you love them? Why don't you do that every day?
The Hubby asked me what I wanted to do this year, and I was like, "You know, I'd rather have a normal day than anything else. Because it's the little everyday things that show that you love someone." And I firmly believe that. Hubby could buy me ropes of diamonds and buckets of roses and tons of chocolate, and it wouldn't mean as much as emailing Jenny Crusie about signing a book for me. It wouldn't mean as much as the two of us cooking together. It wouldn't mean as much as him taking me to get new boots before the Superbowl. Those are the things that really matter. Those are the things that show someone that you love them.
Don't get me wrong. I love chocolate, jewelry, and flowers as much as the next girly girl (although I don't like any of the standard things, for example, I hate fancy jewelry and diamonds and crap like that). I wouldn't be mad if I got any of those things.
However, I just don't think those things are important, or even meaningful or valuable, as tokens of affection.
This is just me, though. And I maybe clinically brain dead right now. So take that for what it's worth.
And have a very happy day showing your loved ones that you love them.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
My "Assvice" to the World : Love Yourself
I have a couple of friends going through some rough stuff, and I am giving them unsolicited advice.
I feel like a bit of an ass about it (on Lucy March's blog, she calls unsolicited advice assvice). I feel like I'm really trying to help. And I wonder if I'm in any position to be giving advice.
It's true that I have come an absurdly long way in terms of my self-esteem and all that, but what if my giving advice is like the blind leading the blind?
I really believe what I've been saying to them. I really believe that if you sit there and say, "I am awesome and I'm going to have great things happen to me," then great things will happen. I think that the universe sends you back whatever energy you're sending out to it. So if you're in a place where you don't think you deserve anything good, then a whole lot of not-good things are going to happen. I believe that. I've seen it work for me. I also believe that you have to demand that people treat you well. If you let them use you and walk over you, if you keep telling yourself that your needs aren't important (or you keep sending that message to the people in your life because you don't defend yourself), then people will continue to use you. They won't magically realize that they were wrong and that they should treat you better. You have to tell them that they're screwing up. You have to demand whatever it is that you need to be happy. If that's time to sit and read, then demand that.
But when you demand this, you don't have to be a jerk about it. You don't have to be like, "Hey, you've been walking all over me for years and I'm tired of it and here's how it's going to be." That's just going to start some epic argument about you. And maybe for a second you'll get some of that resentment out and you'll feel better, but I almost guarantee that it will go back to the old pattern because, at some point, there will be some amount of guilt about the fight (and there will be if you've been a doormat, I mean there's a reason why you're like that) and you'll wind up caving and going back to being a doormat. So don't even open the door for conversation. Just tell them, "Listen, I need an hour every night to be alone and do some things." When your user complains, just reiterate that fact. When they come in to bother you during your hour, say, "No. This is my time." Just no. No argument, no justificatication, just stand up for what you need.
Now, the problem is, that if the user is a real user, they will walk away. Because users want to use people. If they can't use you, then they'll find someone they can. But if the person loves and respects you, they will start to honor your needs. It may take some time, but they will. Because the thing of it is, they may be excited that you're starting to take care of yourself, that you're starting to respect and love yourself -- because, almost always, loving yourself means that your relationship will be easier. It's very hard to love someone who doesn't love themself.
So actually, my message to both of my friends is essentially the same. Love yourself. Put that love and respect for yourself out in the world and see what wonderful things come back to you. Bad things will probably still happen, because that's life, but I really, truly, honestly believe that the majority of the things will be good. And, hey, when the bad things happen, you know that you're solid. And sometimes that's all you need.
And you know what, even if I'm not totally there yet, I still think that's good advice, unsolicited assvice as it may be.
I feel like a bit of an ass about it (on Lucy March's blog, she calls unsolicited advice assvice). I feel like I'm really trying to help. And I wonder if I'm in any position to be giving advice.
It's true that I have come an absurdly long way in terms of my self-esteem and all that, but what if my giving advice is like the blind leading the blind?
I really believe what I've been saying to them. I really believe that if you sit there and say, "I am awesome and I'm going to have great things happen to me," then great things will happen. I think that the universe sends you back whatever energy you're sending out to it. So if you're in a place where you don't think you deserve anything good, then a whole lot of not-good things are going to happen. I believe that. I've seen it work for me. I also believe that you have to demand that people treat you well. If you let them use you and walk over you, if you keep telling yourself that your needs aren't important (or you keep sending that message to the people in your life because you don't defend yourself), then people will continue to use you. They won't magically realize that they were wrong and that they should treat you better. You have to tell them that they're screwing up. You have to demand whatever it is that you need to be happy. If that's time to sit and read, then demand that.
But when you demand this, you don't have to be a jerk about it. You don't have to be like, "Hey, you've been walking all over me for years and I'm tired of it and here's how it's going to be." That's just going to start some epic argument about you. And maybe for a second you'll get some of that resentment out and you'll feel better, but I almost guarantee that it will go back to the old pattern because, at some point, there will be some amount of guilt about the fight (and there will be if you've been a doormat, I mean there's a reason why you're like that) and you'll wind up caving and going back to being a doormat. So don't even open the door for conversation. Just tell them, "Listen, I need an hour every night to be alone and do some things." When your user complains, just reiterate that fact. When they come in to bother you during your hour, say, "No. This is my time." Just no. No argument, no justificatication, just stand up for what you need.
Now, the problem is, that if the user is a real user, they will walk away. Because users want to use people. If they can't use you, then they'll find someone they can. But if the person loves and respects you, they will start to honor your needs. It may take some time, but they will. Because the thing of it is, they may be excited that you're starting to take care of yourself, that you're starting to respect and love yourself -- because, almost always, loving yourself means that your relationship will be easier. It's very hard to love someone who doesn't love themself.
So actually, my message to both of my friends is essentially the same. Love yourself. Put that love and respect for yourself out in the world and see what wonderful things come back to you. Bad things will probably still happen, because that's life, but I really, truly, honestly believe that the majority of the things will be good. And, hey, when the bad things happen, you know that you're solid. And sometimes that's all you need.
And you know what, even if I'm not totally there yet, I still think that's good advice, unsolicited assvice as it may be.
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