You know, I'm basically pretty happy with life right now.
I like my job. Me and The Hubby are doing excellent. I love my clothes. I think I'm pretty. I have plans for the future -- a vague one for the career, and a specific one regarding my health, fitness, and general well-being.
But this freaking pain makes me so impatient and grumpy and generally a such a raging bitch, that I wrote a massive email to a friend today, chock full of negativity. Meanwhile, I'm trying to convince him of my woo-woo, flaky belief that if you put positive thoughts in the universe, positive stuff will come back to you. Irony, thy name is Erica.
And I've been listening to Crosby, Stills, and Nash almost all day, which makes me feel very mellow. I don't understand why I was such a Negative Nancy in that email. Oh, right, the friggin pain.
Grrr.
So anyway, I'm going to dinner tonight with the in-laws, including sister-in-law, to celebrate my niece's 5th birthday. (And she, by the way, is the absolute cutest being on the planet.) That will cheer me up. I greatly enjoy my in-laws. They're hilarious and sweet and very, very loving.
So that's my Friday night. Hopefully I will be less of an angerball tomorrow.
Showing posts with label random. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random. Show all posts
Friday, February 24, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Emotions Are Weird
When you really think about it, about the weird-ass things that trigger different emotions, they are some bizarre suckers, aren't they?
For example, I started off the day on a good foot. I still hurt a lot, so I wore my brightest, happiest, most-forgiving top and cardigan combination, did my makeup and giggled relentlessly over how much wearing purple eyeshadow and blue mascara makes me happy. Came in to work determined to Get Stuff Done.
I started listening to the podcast of Krissie, Lani, and Jenny together on Reinventing Fabulous, caught up on the podcasts at Popcorn Dialogues, did lots and lots of library work.
And then I was listening to ReFab podcast again and all of a sudden, I got super, super sad. Like all of a sudden the fact that I haven't been in the physical presence of my bestie in ten years caught up to me. And when I hurt this much, it's just a hop, skip, and a jump from reasonable amounts of sad to I Will Die Alone Depression-Ville.
Here's how it works:
"I wish I had friends like these three. They're so awesome. They really are like sisters. That's so awesome. Well, I have Bestie. Bestie's awesome. I haven't seen Bestie in ten years. I'll probably never get to see her. This pain is never going to go away. I'm going to live the rest of my life in pain and on painkillers just to be able to work. And I'll never be able to go out like a normal person, so I'll never have any other friends. And I'll never be able to travel to see Bestie, so eventually she'll get tired of my whining, and I'll lose her. And I'm a raging bitch when I hurt, and I'm going to hurt for forever, so The Hubby will get sick of me and leave me, and I'll be so stressed that he left me that I'll get to the point where I hurt so bad, I can never leave the bed ever, and I'll blow up to one of those people who weigh like 800 pounds, and then I'll really never have friends, because I'll smell from not being able to move, and then I'll die alone, a smelly gross, fat bitch."
See? It's insane, I swear.
And I try to cheer myself up, but when it gets this looney tunes, it's hard to find anything that will work.
So, in twenty minutes, I'll head home and get a hug from The Hubby who will reassure me that he won't leave me if I become a super-bitchy hurty-pants, and I'll believe him... for a minute or two, before the Crazy starts up again.
For example, I started off the day on a good foot. I still hurt a lot, so I wore my brightest, happiest, most-forgiving top and cardigan combination, did my makeup and giggled relentlessly over how much wearing purple eyeshadow and blue mascara makes me happy. Came in to work determined to Get Stuff Done.
I started listening to the podcast of Krissie, Lani, and Jenny together on Reinventing Fabulous, caught up on the podcasts at Popcorn Dialogues, did lots and lots of library work.
And then I was listening to ReFab podcast again and all of a sudden, I got super, super sad. Like all of a sudden the fact that I haven't been in the physical presence of my bestie in ten years caught up to me. And when I hurt this much, it's just a hop, skip, and a jump from reasonable amounts of sad to I Will Die Alone Depression-Ville.
Here's how it works:
"I wish I had friends like these three. They're so awesome. They really are like sisters. That's so awesome. Well, I have Bestie. Bestie's awesome. I haven't seen Bestie in ten years. I'll probably never get to see her. This pain is never going to go away. I'm going to live the rest of my life in pain and on painkillers just to be able to work. And I'll never be able to go out like a normal person, so I'll never have any other friends. And I'll never be able to travel to see Bestie, so eventually she'll get tired of my whining, and I'll lose her. And I'm a raging bitch when I hurt, and I'm going to hurt for forever, so The Hubby will get sick of me and leave me, and I'll be so stressed that he left me that I'll get to the point where I hurt so bad, I can never leave the bed ever, and I'll blow up to one of those people who weigh like 800 pounds, and then I'll really never have friends, because I'll smell from not being able to move, and then I'll die alone, a smelly gross, fat bitch."
See? It's insane, I swear.
And I try to cheer myself up, but when it gets this looney tunes, it's hard to find anything that will work.
So, in twenty minutes, I'll head home and get a hug from The Hubby who will reassure me that he won't leave me if I become a super-bitchy hurty-pants, and I'll believe him... for a minute or two, before the Crazy starts up again.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Roid rage?
So, back when I saw the neurosurgeon's PA, he put me on a steroid to help with my inflammation. An apparently strong steroid.
I have been losing-my-mind angry all freaking day today. Partly that's because a lot of shit has pissed me off, but even still. If someone had said something weird to me, I may have attacked someone. For real.
I've also been eating myself out of house and home, which I didn't realize was happening until I woke up at 2 this morning. To eat. 2 sandwiches. Oh yeah.
So now, I'm all guilty about not eating well, and eating too much, and being blindingly furious at freaking EVERYONE.
Sorry. *forced grin*
Anyway, so yeah. 'Roid rage? Apparently that's a thing.
I have been losing-my-mind angry all freaking day today. Partly that's because a lot of shit has pissed me off, but even still. If someone had said something weird to me, I may have attacked someone. For real.
I've also been eating myself out of house and home, which I didn't realize was happening until I woke up at 2 this morning. To eat. 2 sandwiches. Oh yeah.
So now, I'm all guilty about not eating well, and eating too much, and being blindingly furious at freaking EVERYONE.
Sorry. *forced grin*
Anyway, so yeah. 'Roid rage? Apparently that's a thing.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Slushy Brains and Valentine's
So, I think I've figured out how to describe this weird amount of non-functional I've been going through. It's like, my body is working and doing something, and my brain is off in the ether. And then my brain realizes that my body is doing stuff without it, and then there's this insanely long lag time for my brain to catch up with my body. I have no idea what's causing it. I only know that it's happening and that I really kind of desperately want to sleep for a week.
Anyway, today is 2/14. This is a bad anniversary for me, so I try to pretend that it doesn't exist, but resistance is futile. Luckily I'm not insanely sad this year. Last year I think I cried all day. So there's progress. At least slushy, nonfunctional brains aren't completely embarassing at work.
Because of this anniversary, I don't really get into the whole Valentine's thing. But regardless of the anniversary, the whole idea of this holiday annoys the crap out of me.
Why is *this* the day to show the ones you love that you love them? Why don't you do that every day?
The Hubby asked me what I wanted to do this year, and I was like, "You know, I'd rather have a normal day than anything else. Because it's the little everyday things that show that you love someone." And I firmly believe that. Hubby could buy me ropes of diamonds and buckets of roses and tons of chocolate, and it wouldn't mean as much as emailing Jenny Crusie about signing a book for me. It wouldn't mean as much as the two of us cooking together. It wouldn't mean as much as him taking me to get new boots before the Superbowl. Those are the things that really matter. Those are the things that show someone that you love them.
Don't get me wrong. I love chocolate, jewelry, and flowers as much as the next girly girl (although I don't like any of the standard things, for example, I hate fancy jewelry and diamonds and crap like that). I wouldn't be mad if I got any of those things.
However, I just don't think those things are important, or even meaningful or valuable, as tokens of affection.
This is just me, though. And I maybe clinically brain dead right now. So take that for what it's worth.
And have a very happy day showing your loved ones that you love them.
Anyway, today is 2/14. This is a bad anniversary for me, so I try to pretend that it doesn't exist, but resistance is futile. Luckily I'm not insanely sad this year. Last year I think I cried all day. So there's progress. At least slushy, nonfunctional brains aren't completely embarassing at work.
Because of this anniversary, I don't really get into the whole Valentine's thing. But regardless of the anniversary, the whole idea of this holiday annoys the crap out of me.
Why is *this* the day to show the ones you love that you love them? Why don't you do that every day?
The Hubby asked me what I wanted to do this year, and I was like, "You know, I'd rather have a normal day than anything else. Because it's the little everyday things that show that you love someone." And I firmly believe that. Hubby could buy me ropes of diamonds and buckets of roses and tons of chocolate, and it wouldn't mean as much as emailing Jenny Crusie about signing a book for me. It wouldn't mean as much as the two of us cooking together. It wouldn't mean as much as him taking me to get new boots before the Superbowl. Those are the things that really matter. Those are the things that show someone that you love them.
Don't get me wrong. I love chocolate, jewelry, and flowers as much as the next girly girl (although I don't like any of the standard things, for example, I hate fancy jewelry and diamonds and crap like that). I wouldn't be mad if I got any of those things.
However, I just don't think those things are important, or even meaningful or valuable, as tokens of affection.
This is just me, though. And I maybe clinically brain dead right now. So take that for what it's worth.
And have a very happy day showing your loved ones that you love them.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Like Swimming in Concrete
Today was another very weird day. I just feel kind of enveloped in wool. Nothing's really connecting. Although today I think I did it to myself.
Last night we got some snow, the first snow of the whole winter, actually. And it was coming down and I was getting really tense and stressed out by the whole thing.
Why, you ask?
Because Erica is a no-walking-in-the-slick-stuff ass. Also, no-driving-in-the-slick-stuff. I tend to slip and fall a lot in the winter when there's "weather," and I cannot stand driving in it. I'm honest enough with myself to know that I'm not that great of a driver, although I'm okay and I've never been in an accident, but realizing my limitations gets me very stressed out about winter conditions.
So I couldn't get to sleep last night until absurdly late, and then I woke up this morning absurdly early, just because I was terrified and wanted to give myself a crapton of time to get stuff done. And I made it to work fine, an hour and change earlier than the library opened today, and all was well.
Except that that damn tension and stress I'd managed to create was swirling all around me and settled quite firmly into a knot the size of my fist in the middle of my back. God damn my back. So now I'm tired as hell, stressed out, and in massive amounts of pain. So I decided the one thing that I could control was the pain, and took an extra painkiller.
It didn't really do a thing for the pain, but the next thing I know, I'm walking around like some kind of zombie. Fun. Note to self: don't do that again.
I actually did manage to get some things done at work today. It was like swimming in concrete, but I did things.
I also sent in a, what I thought anyway, pretty awesome question for the DBSA (Dear Bitches, Smart Authors) podcast. Yay me! I'm contributing. Haha.
But in general, I've been pretty weirdly useless today. And I'm over it. I'm over my back, too.
Anyway. Yeah, I got nothing.
Last night we got some snow, the first snow of the whole winter, actually. And it was coming down and I was getting really tense and stressed out by the whole thing.
Why, you ask?
Because Erica is a no-walking-in-the-slick-stuff ass. Also, no-driving-in-the-slick-stuff. I tend to slip and fall a lot in the winter when there's "weather," and I cannot stand driving in it. I'm honest enough with myself to know that I'm not that great of a driver, although I'm okay and I've never been in an accident, but realizing my limitations gets me very stressed out about winter conditions.
So I couldn't get to sleep last night until absurdly late, and then I woke up this morning absurdly early, just because I was terrified and wanted to give myself a crapton of time to get stuff done. And I made it to work fine, an hour and change earlier than the library opened today, and all was well.
Except that that damn tension and stress I'd managed to create was swirling all around me and settled quite firmly into a knot the size of my fist in the middle of my back. God damn my back. So now I'm tired as hell, stressed out, and in massive amounts of pain. So I decided the one thing that I could control was the pain, and took an extra painkiller.
It didn't really do a thing for the pain, but the next thing I know, I'm walking around like some kind of zombie. Fun. Note to self: don't do that again.
I actually did manage to get some things done at work today. It was like swimming in concrete, but I did things.
I also sent in a, what I thought anyway, pretty awesome question for the DBSA (Dear Bitches, Smart Authors) podcast. Yay me! I'm contributing. Haha.
But in general, I've been pretty weirdly useless today. And I'm over it. I'm over my back, too.
Anyway. Yeah, I got nothing.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Much Rambling
It's been a lovely chill day. I've slept a lot, read some stuff, done a little bit of laundry. The Hubby's out with buddies, and I am watching a movie that the Hubby would never want to watch, and I found problematic the first time I saw it.
The movie, folks, is He's Just Not That Into You.
For one thing, I hate Bradley Cooper's character in this movie with a seething, roiling passion. He is such a complete jerkwad. Ugh. He makes me want to puke.
Then there's the relationship between Ginnifer Godwin and Justin Long. The first time I saw this movie I was so happy that there was a relationship between a man and a woman that was based in friendship, not romance. But when I watched their relationship develop, I admit I had some crazy secret romantic streak and I was hoping that they would get together. And I was horrified when she came on to him and he rejected her -- because, obviously he did really care about her. But then he comes back for her and tells that he does love her, and then I was totally disgusted, because of course, they had to make it romantic. They had to have some kind of fairy tale ending, even though the whole point of the movie is to show that romantic expectations are screwed up and unrealistic and can completely damage your relationships.
So, I'm watching it again, to see how it feels this time around.
I'm still completely hating Bradley Cooper's character. I'm hurting for Jennifer Connelly's character. I'm hurting for Jennifer Aniston's character. I'm really debating turning the channel.
My latest book, another one by Eloisa James, is a cross-dressing story, which sometimes bothers me. To make the romance work, the hero has to be attracted to the heroine dressed as a male, which leads to a bunch of questioning of one's sexuality, only to be profoundly relieved when the heroine is revealed to be a woman. It just seems to come across a bit homophobic, which is, of course, to be expected of a character living the 1780s, but it still bothers me a little bit. So I've been having some trouble getting into this one.
I'm a teeny bit jealous of The Hubby going out with friends, since with all of my back stuff I can't really do much, but I'm trying not to be one of Those Wives.
Have I mentioned how much I love Drew Barrymore? I love Drew Barrymore. I adore her. She's totally adorable. She's smart. She's funny. She's completely amazing and I love her with every fiber of my body.
Yeah, my brain is not organized right now. I apologize.
Okay, back to watching this movie, or reading my book, or hating Bradley Cooper.
The movie, folks, is He's Just Not That Into You.
For one thing, I hate Bradley Cooper's character in this movie with a seething, roiling passion. He is such a complete jerkwad. Ugh. He makes me want to puke.
Then there's the relationship between Ginnifer Godwin and Justin Long. The first time I saw this movie I was so happy that there was a relationship between a man and a woman that was based in friendship, not romance. But when I watched their relationship develop, I admit I had some crazy secret romantic streak and I was hoping that they would get together. And I was horrified when she came on to him and he rejected her -- because, obviously he did really care about her. But then he comes back for her and tells that he does love her, and then I was totally disgusted, because of course, they had to make it romantic. They had to have some kind of fairy tale ending, even though the whole point of the movie is to show that romantic expectations are screwed up and unrealistic and can completely damage your relationships.
So, I'm watching it again, to see how it feels this time around.
I'm still completely hating Bradley Cooper's character. I'm hurting for Jennifer Connelly's character. I'm hurting for Jennifer Aniston's character. I'm really debating turning the channel.
My latest book, another one by Eloisa James, is a cross-dressing story, which sometimes bothers me. To make the romance work, the hero has to be attracted to the heroine dressed as a male, which leads to a bunch of questioning of one's sexuality, only to be profoundly relieved when the heroine is revealed to be a woman. It just seems to come across a bit homophobic, which is, of course, to be expected of a character living the 1780s, but it still bothers me a little bit. So I've been having some trouble getting into this one.
I'm a teeny bit jealous of The Hubby going out with friends, since with all of my back stuff I can't really do much, but I'm trying not to be one of Those Wives.
Have I mentioned how much I love Drew Barrymore? I love Drew Barrymore. I adore her. She's totally adorable. She's smart. She's funny. She's completely amazing and I love her with every fiber of my body.
Yeah, my brain is not organized right now. I apologize.
Okay, back to watching this movie, or reading my book, or hating Bradley Cooper.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Grouchitude and Fabulousness
So, I've been pissy all day. I got the only decent night's sleep of the week last night, and I was extremely bitter to have to wake up and do stuff today. Plus, my stomach has been hurting a lot, which is making me hunch over, which is making my back hurt, which is making me, quite possible, the single biggest grump on the planet. I came home and just started bitching all over the place. Poor Hubby.
However, The Hubby knows me, and knows what's going on with me. So when I mentioned that my tummy was killing me, he was like, "Well, let's go get you a salad." So we went to a buffet place where I could make myself a massive salad, get a plain baked sweet potato, and a piece of rotisserie chicken and I am feeling much, much better. That's a good Hubby. I don't know why I don't eat like that all the time, instead of all the crap I usually eat, especially knowing that eating crap makes me feel terrible. Ugh, it's dumb.
Oh well.
Anyway, I'm about to take some painkillers and curl up with the Eloisa James book I'm about to finish, so hopefully I'll be feeling much more personable tomorrow. We'll see. There's been a lot of stress this week. It was bound to catch up with me at some point.
So, to make you all feel like you're getting something good, go check out Reinventing Fabulous (http://reinventingfabulous.com/). The posts from the 7th until today have been hilarious and wonderful, and sure to inspire giggling and big giant smiles. Which is what I want you all to be doing (and loving yourselves, by the way!), while I'm getting over my massive grouchitude. So go there and smile and giggle and have a wonderful Friday night.
However, The Hubby knows me, and knows what's going on with me. So when I mentioned that my tummy was killing me, he was like, "Well, let's go get you a salad." So we went to a buffet place where I could make myself a massive salad, get a plain baked sweet potato, and a piece of rotisserie chicken and I am feeling much, much better. That's a good Hubby. I don't know why I don't eat like that all the time, instead of all the crap I usually eat, especially knowing that eating crap makes me feel terrible. Ugh, it's dumb.
Oh well.
Anyway, I'm about to take some painkillers and curl up with the Eloisa James book I'm about to finish, so hopefully I'll be feeling much more personable tomorrow. We'll see. There's been a lot of stress this week. It was bound to catch up with me at some point.
So, to make you all feel like you're getting something good, go check out Reinventing Fabulous (http://reinventingfabulous.com/). The posts from the 7th until today have been hilarious and wonderful, and sure to inspire giggling and big giant smiles. Which is what I want you all to be doing (and loving yourselves, by the way!), while I'm getting over my massive grouchitude. So go there and smile and giggle and have a wonderful Friday night.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Musings during the Super Bowl
So, I've been as bitchy as I feared I would be today without my painkillers. Thank goodness the neurosurgeon appointment is early tomorrow. (By the way, total yay for that!)
I haven't been paying a lot of attention to the game tonight -- I really don't care about football -- but I do kind of hope that the Patriots win, but to be honest I wouldn't be upset if they didn't. I enjoyed Madonna. I've enjoyed the commercials. I finished Frederica, which was the absolute most adorable story ever written. Which I'm pretty sure I declared loudly and at length to The Hubby several times.
The Hubby took me shopping for a bit today, because my absolute favorite, completely beloved boots officially fell apart. So he bought me new boots. 'Cause he's a sweetheart. And then I finished the chocolate and peanut butter ice cream he bought me it yesterday, because he's a sweetheart.
Kind of looking forward to The Voice. I hate American Idol because too much of it is focused on being negative to people and making fun of people who obviously can't sing, but the worst singers on the The Voice are just average, y'know? Nobody ever sucks. Hopefully this year I can keep myself in perspective and not get all pissy and wish I could audition for it or anything (which I really couldn't, you know. I'm not that good. I'm decent, but I'm not amazing).
I'm debating on trying to start the new Jeffrey Eugenides book I checked out from the library -- The Marriage Plot -- because it looks interesting, but I've been hesitating for some reason. I guess we'll see. It's been staring at me from the top of my book shelf for awhile, so the guilt of not reading it is starting to get to me.
I've been thinking about, depending what the neurosurgeon says, starting to do some water walking. I'm just vain and shallow enough to worry about looking like an old lady, though. But apparently it's amazing exercise, and there's not a lot I can do with my back, so if the water walking would be helpful, then that's what I'll do. The chubbiness must die. (Well, that's not really my primary motivation. I want my back to get stronger. But it would be a nice side effect. Like cake for icing.) But all of that is really dependent on this appointment tomorrow, and I'm really not certain how I want it to go. The Hubby wants surgery -- let's get it fixed and get it done. The parents don't want surgery because surgery should always be the last resort. I see the pros and cons of both sides a little too clearly, so I just want someone to decide for me and then tell me what to do. Which I guess is what tomorrow will be.
Anyway. Yeah, I'm just rambling. I'm kind of nervous, I guess, but I don't really know what I'm nervous for. I guess we'll see.
I haven't been paying a lot of attention to the game tonight -- I really don't care about football -- but I do kind of hope that the Patriots win, but to be honest I wouldn't be upset if they didn't. I enjoyed Madonna. I've enjoyed the commercials. I finished Frederica, which was the absolute most adorable story ever written. Which I'm pretty sure I declared loudly and at length to The Hubby several times.
The Hubby took me shopping for a bit today, because my absolute favorite, completely beloved boots officially fell apart. So he bought me new boots. 'Cause he's a sweetheart. And then I finished the chocolate and peanut butter ice cream he bought me it yesterday, because he's a sweetheart.
Kind of looking forward to The Voice. I hate American Idol because too much of it is focused on being negative to people and making fun of people who obviously can't sing, but the worst singers on the The Voice are just average, y'know? Nobody ever sucks. Hopefully this year I can keep myself in perspective and not get all pissy and wish I could audition for it or anything (which I really couldn't, you know. I'm not that good. I'm decent, but I'm not amazing).
I'm debating on trying to start the new Jeffrey Eugenides book I checked out from the library -- The Marriage Plot -- because it looks interesting, but I've been hesitating for some reason. I guess we'll see. It's been staring at me from the top of my book shelf for awhile, so the guilt of not reading it is starting to get to me.
I've been thinking about, depending what the neurosurgeon says, starting to do some water walking. I'm just vain and shallow enough to worry about looking like an old lady, though. But apparently it's amazing exercise, and there's not a lot I can do with my back, so if the water walking would be helpful, then that's what I'll do. The chubbiness must die. (Well, that's not really my primary motivation. I want my back to get stronger. But it would be a nice side effect. Like cake for icing.) But all of that is really dependent on this appointment tomorrow, and I'm really not certain how I want it to go. The Hubby wants surgery -- let's get it fixed and get it done. The parents don't want surgery because surgery should always be the last resort. I see the pros and cons of both sides a little too clearly, so I just want someone to decide for me and then tell me what to do. Which I guess is what tomorrow will be.
Anyway. Yeah, I'm just rambling. I'm kind of nervous, I guess, but I don't really know what I'm nervous for. I guess we'll see.
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