So, here I am. Exactly nine months until my 30th birthday.
I used to be freaked out about the big 3-0, but it's finally started to grow on me. This is mostly because 29 has been pretty eventful so far.
After six years of unexplained pain, I finally have an answer for why my back is all screwed up (I have two herniated disks and severe spinal stenosis), and fairly soon I will have a game plan on how to correct the problem or ease the pain.
After dealing with depression/bipolar disorder/borderline personality disorder (different doctors equal a different diagnosis) for 16 years, I am finally doing extremely well, and I have been medication-free for over two years.
After wallowing in a mire of self-loathing for ... oh, I don't know exactly, but most of my life, I finally feel like I'm a worth a damn. I look at myself in the mirror and actually think I'm pretty. I've stopped calling myself fat. I've stopped feeling fat and unworthy. That is a goddamn miracle.
I'm not perfect. I still get awkward. I still get whiny. I still have problems demanding that people treat me with the respect that I deserve. I still get sad. But, for the most part, life is pretty fucking amazing.
But there's still some work I need to do.
For example, for being nine months away from 30, I am remarkably immature. Well, perhaps "immature" isn't the right word. But I am pretty unfocused. I don't have a career yet, like most of my friends or general peer group seem to. Plus, I seem to change my mind about what I want to do every few days. No, I seriously do.
On Saturday nights, while I'm watching "Pitbulls and Parolees," I want to run a dog shelter. I listen to podcasts on StoryWonk, Popcorn Dialogues, or Will Write for Wine and I dust off my dream to be a writer. I get into a fight about women's rights online and I want to become an advocate for women and healthy sexuality and self-image. One day, I'll bake some truly amazing muffins and decide I want to open a bakery/bookstore. I get a complicated or incomplete record for a book at the library where I work, and I manage to figure out how to fix it myself and I feel like a Cataloging Goddess and I renew my librarian ambition. I watch historical documentaries and I want to be a curator and handle dusty manuscripts with white gloves. I watch The Daily Show, and I want to give birth to Jon Stewart's love children.
That kind of thing.
It is so frustrating.
Now, part of this is probably because I'm a Type 1 (more about that at a later date), but I need to start making decisions in order to start growing up -- you know, to be an actual professional, one who could get a house and make mortgage payments and all that. To one day not have to live paycheck to paycheck.
So, Lani Diane Rich/Lucy March had a project where she blogged every day until she was 40. She talked about her divorce, her writing process, her personal journey, and lots of other things. She created this beautiful, incredibly supportive internet community that helped her through that chaotic time. And now Anne Stuart/Kristina Douglas, Jenny Crusie, and Lani/Lucy have created a new blog called Reinventing Fabulous, where they are talking about their health, weight, and life struggles and their endeavors to change things for the better. They also have an amazing community to spur them on (and to try to get them to eat kale) and support them on the rough days.
And I had an idea: What is I blogged everyday until my 30th birthday? I'm not a famous writer, so I'm not going to develop as vast a community as my role models have, but it would be helpful to have the space to talk about some stuff and see what comes up. Perhaps this project could help me achieve maturity -- or at least a focus, a direction, a plan with what to do with my life.
I'm not going to demand myself to blog something deep every day -- that would just be a ticket to failure. So some days I may cop out and direct you to some of the sites I love so you can find some depth, or I may just talk about how friggin' awesome my glasses are, how much I like purple eyeshadow. If I have to have surgery, I will probably have to take a hiatus for a bit. But other than that, I ask that anyone who does wind up reading this, please call me out if I start skipping. I come up with all these awesome, grandiose plans, but I very rarely follow them through. This is one of the big things I would like to rectify here, so bitch me out if I start slacking. Well, don't bitch me out. Let's try to make this a positive environment. But make me accountable for what I set out to accomplish.
And with that, welcome. Let's do this thing.
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