I have a couple of friends going through some rough stuff, and I am giving them unsolicited advice.
I feel like a bit of an ass about it (on Lucy March's blog, she calls unsolicited advice assvice). I feel like I'm really trying to help. And I wonder if I'm in any position to be giving advice.
It's true that I have come an absurdly long way in terms of my self-esteem and all that, but what if my giving advice is like the blind leading the blind?
I really believe what I've been saying to them. I really believe that if you sit there and say, "I am awesome and I'm going to have great things happen to me," then great things will happen. I think that the universe sends you back whatever energy you're sending out to it. So if you're in a place where you don't think you deserve anything good, then a whole lot of not-good things are going to happen. I believe that. I've seen it work for me. I also believe that you have to demand that people treat you well. If you let them use you and walk over you, if you keep telling yourself that your needs aren't important (or you keep sending that message to the people in your life because you don't defend yourself), then people will continue to use you. They won't magically realize that they were wrong and that they should treat you better. You have to tell them that they're screwing up. You have to demand whatever it is that you need to be happy. If that's time to sit and read, then demand that.
But when you demand this, you don't have to be a jerk about it. You don't have to be like, "Hey, you've been walking all over me for years and I'm tired of it and here's how it's going to be." That's just going to start some epic argument about you. And maybe for a second you'll get some of that resentment out and you'll feel better, but I almost guarantee that it will go back to the old pattern because, at some point, there will be some amount of guilt about the fight (and there will be if you've been a doormat, I mean there's a reason why you're like that) and you'll wind up caving and going back to being a doormat. So don't even open the door for conversation. Just tell them, "Listen, I need an hour every night to be alone and do some things." When your user complains, just reiterate that fact. When they come in to bother you during your hour, say, "No. This is my time." Just no. No argument, no justificatication, just stand up for what you need.
Now, the problem is, that if the user is a real user, they will walk away. Because users want to use people. If they can't use you, then they'll find someone they can. But if the person loves and respects you, they will start to honor your needs. It may take some time, but they will. Because the thing of it is, they may be excited that you're starting to take care of yourself, that you're starting to respect and love yourself -- because, almost always, loving yourself means that your relationship will be easier. It's very hard to love someone who doesn't love themself.
So actually, my message to both of my friends is essentially the same. Love yourself. Put that love and respect for yourself out in the world and see what wonderful things come back to you. Bad things will probably still happen, because that's life, but I really, truly, honestly believe that the majority of the things will be good. And, hey, when the bad things happen, you know that you're solid. And sometimes that's all you need.
And you know what, even if I'm not totally there yet, I still think that's good advice, unsolicited assvice as it may be.
No comments:
Post a Comment